Closed off from the doors i didn't need the pain.

I am very vulnerable lately, or put it this way, i am very vulnerable all the time.

I didn't want to cry; but i cried.

How fair is it to me?

When i went for the port-a-cath workshop in july 23 and first time ever did the port accessed for patient; 23th september.

How much information perceived that time and how much i remember and how confident i am this time round?

And to date, i 've done what??

I've nil hands on ever since... and even when there are procedure, they want me to involve even though i'm pre-occupied with my paeds med stuff. Fair to me?

Can i cope? I've forgotten most of the things.

All i get was reprimand... why am i not doing onco... why am i not this.. why am i not that?

Am i the one to plan the assignment for myself?????????? -.-

And now.. when problem occurs.. i am the one to blame too.




It was my mistake.....

"Not explaining procedure to parent's" Top assessment on the assessment list.

But is it solely my mistake?


I was instructed to take blood from the port. Alpha protein bloods.

When they asked if the baseline bloods were taken, yes i said.


I proceeded meddling with my dressing set; meddling with my drip set; doing my surgical handwash.. i didn't know what's the commotion outside.

And again, in my mind, to take blood from the port is all i know..


MY MISTAKE.

I carried on with cleaning. I carried on with draping. I carried on checking the backflow. I carried on my BLOOD TAKING.

The mother yelled at me. Why are you taking blood ? Why are you discarding my son's blood? Why are you taking blood from the port?

I thought u all say no need to take blood?

Why are u discarding so much BLOOd. (5 mls)

Why are you wasting so much blood ?

If there's blood to be taken.. why take it from port and not from IV PLUG?

And again the plug was instructed to off by whoever.



She look at me. The mother look at me... I look at the mother.



I questioned myself.. what have i done wrong?


The mother keep yelling... saying... why so much blood to be taken...................................




I didn't want to continue... because... ended up... everything pointed to me.

I'm the one at fault.



It was my mistake. my mistake. my mistake.














I went out. Emotion out of control... colleagues kept asking... tears just naturally welled up and streamed down unconsciously!




Tried calling mylove... and i cried even harder....



Went to the lounge at 3 at 7.30pm.. tears just welled. I am very depressed.


I didn't want to tear. But i teared.



Dont even feel like going back to the sickening ward. But i have to.


I tried to cast the unhappiness aside.. do u think i can?





On the way home in the cab, and i reflected everything...




At the crossroad I stand... I am neither here nor there.



I wanna choose the path for myself; not other people planning the path for me.



Depressed? Yes i am .



All i need now is mylove. I wanna cuddle up in his warm embrace and cry all my unhappiness out. I missed him badly...